It's all Tiger's fault...

Today and tomorrow I am in San Francisco attending the National SEC Financial Reporting Conference. It is about as exciting as it sounds. Today at lunch I sat next to a man who was completely fascinated by the fact that I was from Las Vegas. He asked about the downturn in the economy, and I told him yes, times were tough for the casinos on the Strip. He responded, "Well, and this Tiger Wood's situation can't help either."

"Why would the Tiger Wood's situation have anything to do with Las Vegas?"

"Well, now that he got caught, married men won't feel as comfortable coming to Las Vegas. That has to hurt the bottom line."

"It only takes one bad apple to ruin the whole bunch, doesn't it?"

I see a whole new marketing campaign here.

I'm back!

So, for some reason, at the beginning of October, I lost the desire to blog. Gasp! I know. But, then at Thanksgiving, I realized I missed blogging and wanted to return to the cyber world. But, then I felt pressure, because my first blog back needed to be really really funny. Too much pressure! So, here it is, my blog return, and it isn't that funny, so get over it.

As part of my "30 while 30" list, I have to learn to play the guitar. Ms. McGee, Cha Cha, and I have all signed up for a 5 week course at UNLV. After taking this class, we are forming a girl band. Cropstar will be our drummer.

Seeing as how I am actually signed up for a guitar class, and I currently don't have a guitar, you would think my #1 priority would be finding a guitar. But, it is not. My #1 priority is coming up with a name and t-shirt design for our girl band. No band can survive without a good name or t-shirt design. And, more importantly, if we come up with the t-shirt design soon, we can get them made so the three of us can wear them together to the first day of class so everyone else will know we are super cool.

So, I am open to suggestions. Ideas for our band?

Also, as a side note, UNLV offers all sorts of fun continuing education classes. Up next, cake decorating. Watch out world!

Livin' la Vida Loca

I love live music. Apparently, it is my passion. I would see almost anyone in concert, except not Dixie Chicks or Garth Brooks, because I do have standards. The last week of September was a concert filled extravaganza.

Saturday night: Yeah Yeah Yeahs (see post below)
Wednesday night: Air Raid Anthem at the Beauty Bar, along with various other local bands. (Check them out on iTunes!)
Thursday night: Flogging Molly at the Pearl, best venue in Las Vegas. I love Irish rock.
Saturday night: The Killers in Salt Lake City. Simply amazing.

The show in Salt Lake City involved a road trip with my girls, which was pretty much as perfect of a weekend as you can get. The only dark mark on this perfect weekend was the reluctance of my good friend; we will call her “Hot Cop”, to arrest me. Background story. Hot Cop is an actual police officer, patrolling the streets of Utah, keeping us all safe. And, she carries hot pink handcuffs. I am a good, law abiding citizen who has never been arrested, nor do I have any plans to actually be arrested. This is why I came up with the perfect plan, a picture of me being arrested by Hot Cop, leaning up against the police car, being frisked, wearing the hot pink handcuffs. Funny for everyone involved, and a picture to show my mom and freak her out! Perfect! But Hot Cop refused! So, to provide Hot Cop some extra incentive the next time I make it to Utah, below is a list of actual laws in the State of Utah that I have broken. (All laws have been verified by the website www.dumblaws.com. And, the Internet never lies.)

1. Birds have the right of way on all highways.
When I was attending BYU I drove a red Bronco, and I am talking the full size old school Bronco, and it was amazing. One day while driving down I-15 with my brother and sister, a hawk went into a dive straight for the car. We saw it coming, and because of traffic, were unable to do anything to prevent the inevitable, and instead took our only course of action, which was screaming at the top of our lungs. The hawk hit the top of the windshield, bounced off, and landed on the side of the freeway where we can only assume he died. Because I failed to give a bird the right of way, I am a bird murderer.

2. It is considered an offence to hunt whales.
I think everyone is well aware of my pro-whale hunting stance. Sure, it is controversial, like a pro-littering stance, but we all need to stand up for what we believe. A few years ago, our family took a vacation to Tonga, and I don’t even have words to describe how awesome and beautiful it was. One of the most amazing experiences we had was the opportunity to swim with whales. And when I say swim with whales, I mean these large ocean dwelling mammals were 10 feet away from us. But, before we were able to swim with the whales, we had to first find the whales, which involved a whale hunt. That is right, in Tonga, I hunted whales. Another law of Utah broken.

3. Throwing snowballs in Provo will result in a $50 fine.
I spent 5 years of my life living in Provo, going to BYU, and was involved in several snowball fights, and threw MANY snowballs. And, I never paid any fines. I am sure there is a warrant out for my arrest on this one.

These are the laws of Utah that I have already broken. There are a few others I intend to break at my next available opportunity. Pictures will be coming.

1. No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.
I have the violin and paper bag all ready. Just need the street.

2. Auctions may not be advertised by hiring trombone players to play on the street.
I have already hired the trombone player. And, I have my auction all ready.

So, Hot Cop, you can clearly see, I am a dangerous person, in need of a fake arrest to scare me straight. Hot Cop, take me away.

But I NEED it!

On Saturday night, after attending an amazing wedding reception, where they turned the church gym into a 50's diner, literally, Cropstar and I were unsure of what our evening plans would entail. That is until about 8:30 pm when we both realized at the exact same moment that we NEEDED to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs in concert at the Pearl at the Palms. (PS - Best venue in Las Vegas.) Unfortunately, the show started at 8 pm! Gasp! We rushed down, got tickets, missed the opening band, but after buying matching T-shirts, were in our seats when the show began. The glorious show. The life changing show. The show where I realized my new life goal - to find an mp3 of the acoustic version of Maps.

Some of you out there may think this is a silly goal. This is where you are wrong. And I will tell you why. Karen O is the reason why. She is amazing. (For those of you unfamiliar with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, she is the lead singer.) Karen O is an original. When you see an outfit and wonder, Who in the world would wear that?, the answer is Karen O. She had on only what can be described as a Japanese inspired kimono onesie covered in geometric neon colored shapes, paired with yellow zebra stripped tights, and fringed shoes. For reals. And, she put on an amazing show where I might have thrown out my shoulder for all of the crazy dancing.

But, for me the highlight of the show was Karen O singing an acoustic version of my favorite Yeah Yeah Yeahs song, Maps. Some of you may be familiar with Maps because it is featured on the first Rock Band. But, you probably aren't familiar with this:



Now that you have heard it, I am sure you understand why it is my new life goal to own this song. I love this. I need this. This is my plea to the Internet universe - help me find the mp3 of this version of Maps! I have looked, I have searched, and video is as close as I have come. Help me Obie Wan, you are my only hope!

Swagga like me

I have superpowers. One is my ability to consume large quantities of food. Another is to live off little to no sleep. I thought turning 30 would be the kryptonite to this superpower, but still I persevere and push through. 30 is no match for me! I can’t remember the last time I went to bed before midnight. Seriously. But, last night was going to be different. I was going to be in bed by 11pm, which is a HUGE deal. This all changed with one phone call from Cha-Cha. “Get down to the Beauty Bar now. We are going to be in a music video.” Who can say no to that?

That statement turned out to be very true. We were in a music video for Swagga, who is apparently a reggae/hip hop star. (Don’t worry, I have never heard of him either.) We had to learn choreographed dance moves, got all the water we could drink, and were able to be in the presence of greatness. At several times during the evening I had to remind myself, this is real life.

Being in a music video for my new best friend Swagga taught me several important things. The first, there is a Crazy Horse 3 here in Las Vegas. I learned this from one of our fellow dancers, who works there as a stripper. Our stripper friend arrived in what she described as her “modest work attire”. This consisted of a fish net top, gold bikini bra, fish net thigh-highs, and a gold mini skirt. All this nicely accentuated by clear platform stripper heels and upper thigh tattoo. She became a very good friend of mine during the night, as she probably felt a kinship to me because we were similarly dressed. (I was wearing a black t-shirt and a denim skirt. We were practically twins.)

You can now make music videos without even using cameras. When we first arrived, the “choreographer” was teaching us the group dance routine. I say “choreographer” as his only qualification appears to be teaching a hip hop dance class at a local studio. (I got his card, first class is free, call me if you want to go!) While learning the dance, I noticed that there were no cameras anywhere. At all. Lights were going up, people were standing around wearing all black, but no cameras. I felt like perhaps we were being punked. When the photographer finally arrived (we knew it was him because he was wearing all black AND a hat) he had one camera around his neck. A camera for taking pictures of your trip to Europe, not for filming my world debut music video. Cropstar assures me that these cameras are fully capable of shooting amazing video, but as they say, the proof is in the pudding. I will wait for my debut on YouTube before I make any final judgments.

Being in a music video requires you to stand VERY close to people you would not otherwise associate with in life. In order to make Swagga seem popular, we were instructed to “crush” him when the music came on. Our stripper friend was excited for and excelled at this direction. I also got close and personal with Swagga, and I am sure the extra effort I put into "crushing" him will be noticed and appreciated on screen.

Standing very close and dancing with strangers will result in smashed toes. Just ask Josh, who was a baby about the whole thing and started crying the moment his toe started bleeding.

We left the shoot before it was over, because Josh was crying, and because it was after midnight and we all have actual lives that require us to sleep, no matter how good we look on film. Just goes to show how amazing it is to live in Las Vegas. Strippers, rappers, dancers, Puerto Ricans can all unite for one cause. Swagga! Look for us on YouTube!

Swagga's best dancers taking a break from the action:

Viva Las Vegas!

Sunday night I returned home from a week long family vacation in the Big Apple. Don’t worry; future post coming. However, returning home made me realize just how happy I am to live in Las Vegas. When I was in high school, it was cool to not like Las Vegas and want to move away as soon as you graduated (which I did, but to Provo, so not really an upgrade). However, I am no longer in high school; I have traveled to various parts of the globe, and have the following reasons why there is no place like home.

• Las Vegas does not smell of garbage. This may seem obvious, but millions of people worldwide choose to make there homes in places that smell of garbage. And sewer.
• No bad hair days. Thank you dry heat.
• Air conditioning. It’s hot in the summer. So what? It’s a dry heat, and every building and structure in this town comes equipped with A/C. It is a mystery to me how any building post 1950 could not have A/C. Boggles the mind.
• If I want to go anywhere, I just jump in my car and drive there, usually without traffic. No waiting for buses or trains, or even worse, walking.
• This is a convenient town; demonstrated by the fact that everything has a drive thru. Even my dry cleaner has one. Who doesn’t love that?
• No matter where you go in the world, when you tell people you are from Las Vegas, they automatically know where it is. I have been in the jungles of Tonga, and every person knew about Las Vegas. It is awesome.
• Food. There is a lot of great food concentrated in this town. And, this food is available 24 hrs a day. You want to eat a banana split at 3am? How about a nice steak? Not a problem.
• Parking is free. Everywhere. Even garages that try to charge you can be validated away.
• This really is a 24 hour town, and not just on the strip. I truly can’t understand how stores like Wal-Mart or a gas station even have the nerve to ever close. Run out of gas in Provo at 2am? Good luck. And, if you are in Southern California and it is midnight, and all you want to do is play Singstar, just give up. Not one store will be open.
• You can see a movie on opening weekend without having to buy tickets 2 weeks in advance.
• Concerts and shows. There is a lot of live music going on in this town, which is happy news for a concert loving fool like me. And, I am not talking about big arena shows here people. There are local venues with bands playing all of the time. And, where else can you see 6 different Cirque Du Soleil productions? Sure, tickets may be expensive, but you live here long enough and you learn the power of the comp. And, if it comes down to actually paying, a local doesn’t pay full price.

This list is just the tip of the iceberg, I haven’t even mentioned the shopping, or the convenient weekend trips, or the cheap airfare, or a million other things.

But, the best reasons of all, my family and friends. It’s good to be home!

You’re really lovely, underneath it all

I haven't had anything to post in a while, because nothing has really come to me. Typically I wait until I have something funny to say. Not this time. This post is purely about bragging. Friday night I saw No Doubt perform at the Hard Rock. (And, for those of you keeping track, that is check one for the twelve concerts I will see this year.) It was magic.

Side bar tangent about Hard Rock: I hate the new Joint at Hard Rock. The old Joint at Hard Rock had a great set up, and usually reasonably priced tickets, but a terrible sound system. So, to correct this problem, the genius team at Hard Rock decided to eat up all of their parking and spend $60 million to construct the monstrosity that is the new Joint. The set up is terrible, and the tickets are now super expensive for all shows, but yes, it has a great sound system. You could have saved a couple million by revamping the old Joint sound system, and all would be right with the world. Way to create value for your shareholders. (Side bar tangent over.)

The show had everything you would want: the lipstick, the eyelashes, the outfits, the dancing, the patented push-ups before “Just a Girl”, the singing all songs without even sounding winded , Adrian Young wearing a tutu and not much else. They played all the old stuff, and pretty much hit on all my favorite songs. What more can a girl ask for?

I shall divide the concert into 3 areas, because this is the number of costume changes Gwen had during the set. Outfit #1 is an updated version of the track pants and halter tops worn in the early 90’s, also known as check out how amazing my abs are, even though I have given birth to two children. And, I am 40. No joke, she had an 8-pack. Amazing.

Outfit #2 is the sequined jumper, which I guess we can all expect to see in the fall LAMB clothing line. I bet Randi from SYTYCD is salivating to get her hands on this little number. But, as always, Gwen looks amazing in it, and makes me wonder if I can pull off a sequined jumper at work.

Outfit #3 is bringing back acid wash jeans with a vengeance. I actually remember seeing her wear this on some talk show, and thinking, on anyone else I would hate that, but on Gwen, I don’t care. I love it. This is her superpower.

So, be jealous. I would be if I were you.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I am 30. How did this happen? I did everything possible to prevent it, I ate vegetables, I read my scriptures and went to church, I drank from the fountain of eternal youth, but to no avail. It still came.

For me, turning 30 marks a milestone. I am officially an adult. I have to leave my 20’s, in which you can make dumb mistakes and blame it on youth, to my 30’s where I have to be “responsible” and “worry about wrinkles”. So, in order to cope and convince myself that the 30’s can be fantastic too, and to prove you are as young as you feel (or in my case act), I am stealing an idea from my good friend Cropstar. Below are 30 things I intend to do while 30.

1. Attend at least 12 concerts.
2. Take a cake decorating class.
3. Get a new stamp in my passport.
4. Read “The Count of Monte Cristo” (unabridged).
5. Swim with dolphins.
6. Frame pictures of my trips and hang them.
7. Attend a professional sporting event.
8. Go to a drive-in movie.
9. Max out my 401k.
10. Sing karaoke in a crowded room.
11. Buy something ridiculously expensive.
12. Attend a taping of “The Price is Right”.
13. Do something nice for someone without them knowing.
14. Go skinny dipping.
15. Write a thank you note to someone who might go unnoticed.
16. Visit the Calico Ghost Town.
17. Write in my journal on a regular basis.
18. Ride a horse.
19. Read the Book of Mormon with focus.
20. Learn to play the guitar.
21. See the circus.
22. Finish decorating my house.
23. Go to an amusement park.
24. Stay up all night.
25. Pay off my second mortgage.
26. Go to a demolition derby.
27. Learn yoga.
28. Go to the Grand Canyon.
29. Use a fake name and story.
30. Transition to a family ward.

Also, I am celebrating my birthday with a HUGE party this Saturday! My friends Air Raid Anthem are playing, there will be swimming, cotton candy, popcorn, and more amazing things. Pretty much it will be the best night ever. So, come one come all! Everyone is invited! It is at my parent’s house, and if you don’t know where that is, call me and I’ll get you the address.

I know I can dance...

This past Tuesday I was able to attend a taping of So You Think You Can Dance which was a magical and wonderful and (dare I say) special experience.

Being a part of a studio audience is essentially the same as being in prison… no phones, no cameras, no food or water. Because of this, I have no photographic proof of our trip (other than the fact I was on TV!) So, here is a re-cap of our trip without actual pictures.

We left Las Vegas Monday night and didn’t get into California until 2:30am. During the drive down, I felt sick and took Cha-cha’s medicine, which I was told was just a stronger version of NyQuil. It made me feel weird. I did not like that. But, let me tell you, I have never slept so well on a blow up mattress on Cropstar's sister's floor.

After eating a huge burrito from Chipotle, we got in line around 12:30pm at the CBS studios. They film SYTYCD in the same building as Price is Right, which let’s be honest, has lost something since Bob Barker left.

While in line, Maren-Moo tortured and then viciously murdered an extremely large beetle who dared to enter our space in line. Let that be a lesson to all beetles everywhere.

After the beetle died, things were a little boring, so Cropstar and Cha-cha located a Goodwill and purchased a glow in the dark puzzle and the “Book of Questions”. The line moved before we finished assembling the puzzle, so we may never see what a wizard doing magic and a dragon coming out of a cauldron looks like in the dark. This is the only dark mark on an otherwise glorious day.

Around 3pm (we will never be sure, without phones we had no idea what time it was. What are we supposed to do, wear watches?) we finally were allowed to enter the magnificent studio. Standing room only, unfortunately, but being the tallest in the room allowed me to easily snatch from the air the t-shirts the guy warming up the crowd threw to us. Unfortunately, the 16 year old obnoxious girl in front of me decided she could take said t-shirt from my hands. She was wrong. This apparently was the worst thing to ever happen to her, as she and her friends proceeded to talk about it for the rest of the taping. We are still not sure if they were giving us dirty looks, or if that is just the way they looked.

Actual t-shirt won in brawl with under aged girls

The show is filmed in one take, only pausing for commercial breaks and costume changes. Before the show they spent time filming audience reaction shots, which we were clearly excelled at, as evidenced by our many TV appearances. Stank face obnoxious teenagers? Not so much.

Cat Deeley is prettier in person, and has the ability to come from a full laugh to hitting her lines perfectly. I like that. Mary Murphy isn’t as annoying in person. I even found her funny. I was shocked too. Most of the judges’ comments are edited out of the show. They gave a lot of tips and critiques and do funny things that never aired. And tell dirty jokes.

I almost stopped breathing when Wade Robson sat down with the choreographers. Also in attendance: Mark, Comfort, Dimitri, and Pasha. After the taping, and on our way out, we ran into Pasha. I said “Hey”, and totally froze. He stared at me with a very confused look, as I was apparently unable to move. Cropstar, however, jumped into action, screaming, “we love you Pasha!” and was rewarded with a hug and a back rub. To the left, notice picture of Pasha, aka Cropstar's new boyfriend.

Official time of studio exit: 7:30pm. Official time back in Las Vegas: 2:30am. All told, I dedicated 31 hours of my life to see the live taping, and it was totally worth it.

The inside of my head looks like the inside of my purse

The following are all the random thoughts in my head. Enjoy!

• Jared comes home in 2 weeks. I am excited! And, hopefully my baby brother hasn’t turned into a weirdo. The phone call on Mother’s Day left me with suspicion. Example, he made an agenda for the call. Don’t worry, he will be mocked for that one for years to come.
• Despite all my resistance, I think I need an iPhone for one reason and one reason only. Research. Have you ever been driving down I-15 and wonder why Victorville even exists? Or, been sitting in church and wonder what midget babies look like? With the iPhone, these questions could be answered immediately. The internet is magic.
• Because of my unfounded and unreasonable disdain for the iPhone, I think I will be forced to get the new Google phone.
• I really wish KFC delivered. This would have saved me the embarrassment of going through the drive-thru in my bathrobe and getting mocked by fast food employees. A girl needs her chicken.
• SYTYCD IS ALMOST HERE!!! Season premiere Thursday May 21. There will be a viewing party, and all are welcome! But, be warned, we are serious fans, and there are rules. (If you don’t know what SYTYCD stands for, you are uninvited to the party.)
• I think Helen, the Biggest Loser winner, looks significantly older as a skinny person than a fat person.
• I have decided to shun the entire state of Missouri. This is a work related shun, and I don’t want to bore you with work details, but let’s just say they don’t call it the “Show Me” state for nothing. And, they are stupid.
• My boss is from New Orleans and has as thick southern drawl. And, for some reason when he swears, it just sounds better and natural. Like if he didn’t swear, then it would be weird.
• I need a concert to go to, and fast. I haven't been to one all month, and it is starting to give me the shakes. I have tickets to The Killers in September, but between now and then, nothing. Who should I see? Who wants to go?

Ode to Scott Weiland...

I love Scott Weiland. I know he is a heroin-addicted crack whore who has destroyed more hotel rooms than Donald Trump has wigs, but I love him for it. I love him for his bleached out hair, his chiseled cheekbones, his piercing blue eyes, his tumultuous relationship with his ex-wife (She is a former model and he has her face tattooed on his forearm. They once had a fight so extreme that they destroyed a hotel room before she drove like a mad person back to their home and set all of his clothes on fire.) Unlike the anorexic emo boys today all trying to wear the same pair of girl size zero jeans, he is rock and roll. He is the real thing.

A week ago I got to see him in a “rare and intimate” performance at LAX nightclub. I was within 6 feet of the man and was able to touch him. That is right, he reached out his hands to the crowd, and I held on and didn’t want to let go. I am here to testify that Scott Weiland has very soft, yet very strong hands. I am pretty sure the moment meant as much to him as it did to me.

Anxious anticipation before the show! We are so nervous! And, everyone here is nervous!

The man, the myth, the legend himself.

Kids, smoking is very bad. But, wouldn't it be more shocking if he didn't light up before the show? He wouldn't quite be the same without it.

A little fuzzy, but isn't he pretty?

Just sing Scott, just sing.

After his set was over, Scott (cause we are on a first name basis) and the band started jamming to the random song the DJ was playing. This is Scott playing a wooden fish. It was awesome.

Even more impressive, he managed to stay sober for the entire set. We are all proud of you Scott! Keep on trucking!

This one is dedicated to Maren

I love facials. This is no secret, and should come as no surprise to anyone. Almost two years ago, my then boss highly recommended to me a med-spa, specifically one esthetician she said was fantastic. Never one to pass up a recommendation like that, I quickly made an appointment with Lisa*, and was very happy.

About 8 months later, because the owners were late on rent, the spa closed. Lisa told me she was going to start doing facials out of her home, but for half the cost. Sold! She has a nice set up, a separate room with all the necessary equipment, blah, blah, blah. In fact, it is pretty much an exact replica of her room at the med-spa.** And for half price! The only problem with this situation? Her two yappy dogs.

I am not a dog lover. Honestly, I am not even an animal lover. I don’t know why anyone would be committed to picking up poop FOREVER. It isn’t like a dog will one day grow up and be potty trained, you know, like those human babies. Not to mention the hair, the chewing, the needing to be fed everyday. Enough already!

Previously, the dogs were never really a problem, other than their mere existence, because Lisa always kept them locked up in a separate part of her house. But then, a few weeks ago, just as she was applying my mask and relaxing eye pack, we heard a huge crash. She asked, would I mind if she went and checked on the dogs while my mask set? No problem. I was completely relaxed, eyes covered, I didn’t know who was in the room anyways.

Trying to be very Zen, Lisa slowly opened the door, but surprised, she gasped as both little dogs were standing outside the door. Then, possessed with power that could only come from the devil, one of the little dogs flew and landed right on my stomach. I know he flew because in my blinded state I had a heightened sense of hearing, and I heard no running across the hard wood floor. Startled, I started flailing about, much as you would if you had a possessed dog on your stomach, as Lisa attempted to remove the dog. I think I may have actually hit her. She was successful in retrieving the dog, but not before HE LICKED MY FACE. Apologizing profusely, Lisa got the dogs locked back up, washed all the demon venom from my face, reapplied the mask, and compensated by giving me the most amazing hot stone massage. No lasting scars.

Moral of this story: Dogs are evil, especially dogs wearing clothes.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
**Between you and me, I am thinking that there may have been some late night shopping at the former spa, if you know what I mean.

I'm back!!!

It's over! My report is filed, and now I can turn my attention back to more important things, like this blog, and telling you how I became a fat girl.

I am hearing the collective sigh, and the resounding, "but you're not fat". I don't want to hear it. I am what they call a lucky fat girl, or as I refer to it "skinny fat". I have KFC chicken and cupcakes running through my veins. In the past, my routine of fast food and not exercising had no effect on my ability to fit in my pants, only my ability to climb a flight of stairs without panting, and to die at a young age from heart disease. Those days are now over. I don't know if it is my pending 30th birthday, or the fact that it is Girl Scout cookie season, but I can no longer fit into my purple velvet pants. Something has got to change.

(Just so you know, I personally blame the Girl Scout cookies. Girl scout cookies are made of crack. It is the only way to explain how addictive they are. I am ashamed, yet oddly proud, to admit that I have finished off 4 boxes of cookies, one of which was a box of thin mints eaten in a 4-hour window, and I have 3 partially eaten boxes to go. During the past 2 weeks, I have on more than one occasion tried to stalk the Girl Scouts by driving store to store. When the driving became a problem, I was forced to find a reliable source. That is right, now I have a dealer for my addiction. But, at least I am doing my part to help out the economy.)

Thus was born my brain child, my greatest creation to date. I'm not only the President of the Fat Girls Club, but I am also a member. The object of this club is not to reward healthy living or losing weight, or whatever your personal goal is, but to punish you for not achieving it. I don't know about you, but I respond so much better when public humiliation is on the line. The club has rules, rules that must be followed on a weekly basis. If a rule has been broken, you face the wheel of punishment. Suggested punishments include posting your weight as your Facebook status. Or, making your profile picture a pre-Fat Girls Club photo of you wearing only spandex. The rules and punishments are not set yet, so tonight after FHE we will be having the first meeting of the Fat Girls Club to vote on and approve all rules and punishments. So, if you are serious about looking good around the pool this summer, and not dieing at a young age from heart disease, come join us!

Oh, and PS... I feel smarter EVERYTIME I read Maren's blog...

January is the best!

It's that time of the year. The time of year where the hours in my office exceed the hours outside of my office. The time of year where I dedicate my life to writing a 10K, pouring over every detail, just to have no one read it or no one care. It's so good to have a job that really makes a difference in the world. So, I am going to be a bad blogger for the time being, at least until I have something wonderful to blog about.

I heart Dallas

While I am sure the city of Dallas, TX is a fine place, a place I hope to one day visit and eat enough BBQ to make myself sick, my love is for one of the most successful drama series ever made, DALLAS**, and the wealthy oil family, the Ewing's.

I must thank Maren for bringing this show into my life. She suggested we give it a shot, and after just one episode, we were committed for all 13 seasons. The show begins in 1978 with the marriage of Bobby (played by Patrick Duffy who was also the dad on Step by Step, and who has great legs) to Pam (played by Victoria Principal, who looks amazing, and has the best hair/wardrobe). Bobby and Pam are the Romeo and Juliet of their day, 2 feuding families, the children fall in love. Except without all that messy banishment/poison/suicide thing. No, these star crossed lovers live in the family mansion and go out to disco clubs. Also living at the mansion are cousin Lucy (trouble with a capital T), and parents Jock and Miss Ellie. But, the real star of the show, the reason we all watch is J.R. Ewing, (played by Larry "Major Anthony Nelson" Hagman) who is greedy and scheming in every moment of his life. He is to Dallas what Chuck Bass is to Gossip Girl. He is what keeps us coming back for more. He and his former-Miss. Texas wife who he now hates round out the mansion household. You're already hooked, right?

I am still on season 1, with 12 more to go. Spanning 1978-1991, I can only imagine the hair styles, clothes and cars that will be coming in future episodes, but I can't wait!

**For those of you unfamiliar with Dallas, I highly suggest reading up on Wikipedia first. WARNING: Contains plot spoilers!

Happy Birthday Dear Carter!

I have a new love interest.... and he weighs 7lbs 12oz and is only 18 1/2 inches long. This week our family grew by one more. Welcome to the world baby Carter!

Some of you might be saying, "but I can't see the baby's beautiful face! The blanket is covering it!" I would say to you, that is because this blog is all about ME. ME. If you want baby pictures, I suggest heading over here. (And really, you should. I have some cute nephews!)

Also, a big shout out to my sister who is no longer miserable and pregnant! Congrats!

Free pictures of Jimmy Fallon really ARE free...

On Friday night, my roommate ended up with 2 free tickets to see Jimmy Fallon perform. While I have always enjoyed Jimmy Fallon on SNL, I would have never thought to go see him on his own. But, free tickets being free tickets, we went and were pleseantly suprised. He was really quite funny, and although he did use some profanity in the show, it was nothing over the top and his jokes were clean and witty. Overall, totally happy, I would even PAY to hear him again, and he seems like a good replacement for Conan!

But, my new found respect for Jimmy Fallon as a comedian is not the interesting part of my evening. As we were riding the in the elevator from the parking garage to the casino floor, we ran into a short, balding man who had a large camera bag. He asked if we were going to see Jimmy Fallon, and then told us he was the official photographer for the Joint, and expounded on how he takes pictures of all sorts of celebrities and musicians blah, blah, blah. Jessie asks if he does any freelance work, to which he responds "Do you want bikini pictures taken?" She tells him no, but he again tells us he will be willing to photograph us any time. Creepy, right? Right before we parted paths, he gave us his card, and told us, if you email me BEFORE YOU GO TO BED TONIGHT, I will send you pictures of Jimmy Fallon, and then emphasized, but it must be BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

I was very curious to see why I must email him before going to bed, and curious if he really would send pictures of Jimmy Fallon, so I did what any normal girl would do. I set up a fake email address under the name "Veronica O'Brien" and emailed him before I went to bed.

Well, my efforts paid off. Today I received this email:

Hi Veronica,

Hope you enjoyed this show. I think I got some nice pics, although they all started to look the same after about 20 shots. Let me know if you or any of your pretty girlfriends wants to get into my Green Valley studio for a photo shoot...I am always looking for girls to photograph.
My site: http://www.harrisonphotos.com/

Scott Harrison

So, this is my warning to you all. Stay away from Scott Harrison. Do not go to his studio. He is a creepy man. However, I am now the proud owner of 16 pictures of Jimmy Fallon. I'll share 2 with you. (He is right, they kind of all do look the same!)

Hello, I don't believe we've met. I'm 2009...

Welcome to my first post of 2009! I needed a little Christmas vacation, which basically consisted of eating, playing Singstar, and eating again. So, just a little recap of my Christmas vacation for you:

1. I ate alot. I mean alot. It was non-stop food from Thanksgiving to New Years. I know I am getting old, because usually that amount of food doesn't really affect me at all, (I know, you hate me, I'm used to it) but this year, all of my pants are a little tight. Thus is born New Year's Resolution #1, fit back into my pants.

2. I now have my very own Singstar! No longer do I need to mooch off Cropstar, I have my very own to practice singing "Helena" over and over. (Like I need practice, I am already a Singstar!) Now is born New Year's Resolution #2, become a Singstar on all songs. It will be a challenge, but a challenge I am ready for.

3. I spent considerable bonding time with my nephew Reed (oh and his parents too). I basically moved into my mom's house for the week to be close to the family. Living with your parents is awesome, they have considerably better food (see #1 above).

4. I saw Stone Temple Pilots in concert. It was amazing. Scott Weiland is everything you could hope and dream he would be, what a rock star really should be. His dancing basically consists of twitching, and never has twitching looked so good. I think it is true love.

5. I also saw Reel Big Fish. That is a fun show. I highly suggest going if you get the chance.