This one is dedicated to Maren

I love facials. This is no secret, and should come as no surprise to anyone. Almost two years ago, my then boss highly recommended to me a med-spa, specifically one esthetician she said was fantastic. Never one to pass up a recommendation like that, I quickly made an appointment with Lisa*, and was very happy.

About 8 months later, because the owners were late on rent, the spa closed. Lisa told me she was going to start doing facials out of her home, but for half the cost. Sold! She has a nice set up, a separate room with all the necessary equipment, blah, blah, blah. In fact, it is pretty much an exact replica of her room at the med-spa.** And for half price! The only problem with this situation? Her two yappy dogs.

I am not a dog lover. Honestly, I am not even an animal lover. I don’t know why anyone would be committed to picking up poop FOREVER. It isn’t like a dog will one day grow up and be potty trained, you know, like those human babies. Not to mention the hair, the chewing, the needing to be fed everyday. Enough already!

Previously, the dogs were never really a problem, other than their mere existence, because Lisa always kept them locked up in a separate part of her house. But then, a few weeks ago, just as she was applying my mask and relaxing eye pack, we heard a huge crash. She asked, would I mind if she went and checked on the dogs while my mask set? No problem. I was completely relaxed, eyes covered, I didn’t know who was in the room anyways.

Trying to be very Zen, Lisa slowly opened the door, but surprised, she gasped as both little dogs were standing outside the door. Then, possessed with power that could only come from the devil, one of the little dogs flew and landed right on my stomach. I know he flew because in my blinded state I had a heightened sense of hearing, and I heard no running across the hard wood floor. Startled, I started flailing about, much as you would if you had a possessed dog on your stomach, as Lisa attempted to remove the dog. I think I may have actually hit her. She was successful in retrieving the dog, but not before HE LICKED MY FACE. Apologizing profusely, Lisa got the dogs locked back up, washed all the demon venom from my face, reapplied the mask, and compensated by giving me the most amazing hot stone massage. No lasting scars.

Moral of this story: Dogs are evil, especially dogs wearing clothes.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
**Between you and me, I am thinking that there may have been some late night shopping at the former spa, if you know what I mean.

I'm back!!!

It's over! My report is filed, and now I can turn my attention back to more important things, like this blog, and telling you how I became a fat girl.

I am hearing the collective sigh, and the resounding, "but you're not fat". I don't want to hear it. I am what they call a lucky fat girl, or as I refer to it "skinny fat". I have KFC chicken and cupcakes running through my veins. In the past, my routine of fast food and not exercising had no effect on my ability to fit in my pants, only my ability to climb a flight of stairs without panting, and to die at a young age from heart disease. Those days are now over. I don't know if it is my pending 30th birthday, or the fact that it is Girl Scout cookie season, but I can no longer fit into my purple velvet pants. Something has got to change.

(Just so you know, I personally blame the Girl Scout cookies. Girl scout cookies are made of crack. It is the only way to explain how addictive they are. I am ashamed, yet oddly proud, to admit that I have finished off 4 boxes of cookies, one of which was a box of thin mints eaten in a 4-hour window, and I have 3 partially eaten boxes to go. During the past 2 weeks, I have on more than one occasion tried to stalk the Girl Scouts by driving store to store. When the driving became a problem, I was forced to find a reliable source. That is right, now I have a dealer for my addiction. But, at least I am doing my part to help out the economy.)

Thus was born my brain child, my greatest creation to date. I'm not only the President of the Fat Girls Club, but I am also a member. The object of this club is not to reward healthy living or losing weight, or whatever your personal goal is, but to punish you for not achieving it. I don't know about you, but I respond so much better when public humiliation is on the line. The club has rules, rules that must be followed on a weekly basis. If a rule has been broken, you face the wheel of punishment. Suggested punishments include posting your weight as your Facebook status. Or, making your profile picture a pre-Fat Girls Club photo of you wearing only spandex. The rules and punishments are not set yet, so tonight after FHE we will be having the first meeting of the Fat Girls Club to vote on and approve all rules and punishments. So, if you are serious about looking good around the pool this summer, and not dieing at a young age from heart disease, come join us!

Oh, and PS... I feel smarter EVERYTIME I read Maren's blog...

January is the best!

It's that time of the year. The time of year where the hours in my office exceed the hours outside of my office. The time of year where I dedicate my life to writing a 10K, pouring over every detail, just to have no one read it or no one care. It's so good to have a job that really makes a difference in the world. So, I am going to be a bad blogger for the time being, at least until I have something wonderful to blog about.

I heart Dallas

While I am sure the city of Dallas, TX is a fine place, a place I hope to one day visit and eat enough BBQ to make myself sick, my love is for one of the most successful drama series ever made, DALLAS**, and the wealthy oil family, the Ewing's.

I must thank Maren for bringing this show into my life. She suggested we give it a shot, and after just one episode, we were committed for all 13 seasons. The show begins in 1978 with the marriage of Bobby (played by Patrick Duffy who was also the dad on Step by Step, and who has great legs) to Pam (played by Victoria Principal, who looks amazing, and has the best hair/wardrobe). Bobby and Pam are the Romeo and Juliet of their day, 2 feuding families, the children fall in love. Except without all that messy banishment/poison/suicide thing. No, these star crossed lovers live in the family mansion and go out to disco clubs. Also living at the mansion are cousin Lucy (trouble with a capital T), and parents Jock and Miss Ellie. But, the real star of the show, the reason we all watch is J.R. Ewing, (played by Larry "Major Anthony Nelson" Hagman) who is greedy and scheming in every moment of his life. He is to Dallas what Chuck Bass is to Gossip Girl. He is what keeps us coming back for more. He and his former-Miss. Texas wife who he now hates round out the mansion household. You're already hooked, right?

I am still on season 1, with 12 more to go. Spanning 1978-1991, I can only imagine the hair styles, clothes and cars that will be coming in future episodes, but I can't wait!

**For those of you unfamiliar with Dallas, I highly suggest reading up on Wikipedia first. WARNING: Contains plot spoilers!

Happy Birthday Dear Carter!

I have a new love interest.... and he weighs 7lbs 12oz and is only 18 1/2 inches long. This week our family grew by one more. Welcome to the world baby Carter!

Some of you might be saying, "but I can't see the baby's beautiful face! The blanket is covering it!" I would say to you, that is because this blog is all about ME. ME. If you want baby pictures, I suggest heading over here. (And really, you should. I have some cute nephews!)

Also, a big shout out to my sister who is no longer miserable and pregnant! Congrats!

Free pictures of Jimmy Fallon really ARE free...

On Friday night, my roommate ended up with 2 free tickets to see Jimmy Fallon perform. While I have always enjoyed Jimmy Fallon on SNL, I would have never thought to go see him on his own. But, free tickets being free tickets, we went and were pleseantly suprised. He was really quite funny, and although he did use some profanity in the show, it was nothing over the top and his jokes were clean and witty. Overall, totally happy, I would even PAY to hear him again, and he seems like a good replacement for Conan!

But, my new found respect for Jimmy Fallon as a comedian is not the interesting part of my evening. As we were riding the in the elevator from the parking garage to the casino floor, we ran into a short, balding man who had a large camera bag. He asked if we were going to see Jimmy Fallon, and then told us he was the official photographer for the Joint, and expounded on how he takes pictures of all sorts of celebrities and musicians blah, blah, blah. Jessie asks if he does any freelance work, to which he responds "Do you want bikini pictures taken?" She tells him no, but he again tells us he will be willing to photograph us any time. Creepy, right? Right before we parted paths, he gave us his card, and told us, if you email me BEFORE YOU GO TO BED TONIGHT, I will send you pictures of Jimmy Fallon, and then emphasized, but it must be BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

I was very curious to see why I must email him before going to bed, and curious if he really would send pictures of Jimmy Fallon, so I did what any normal girl would do. I set up a fake email address under the name "Veronica O'Brien" and emailed him before I went to bed.

Well, my efforts paid off. Today I received this email:

Hi Veronica,

Hope you enjoyed this show. I think I got some nice pics, although they all started to look the same after about 20 shots. Let me know if you or any of your pretty girlfriends wants to get into my Green Valley studio for a photo shoot...I am always looking for girls to photograph.
My site: http://www.harrisonphotos.com/

Scott Harrison

So, this is my warning to you all. Stay away from Scott Harrison. Do not go to his studio. He is a creepy man. However, I am now the proud owner of 16 pictures of Jimmy Fallon. I'll share 2 with you. (He is right, they kind of all do look the same!)

Hello, I don't believe we've met. I'm 2009...

Welcome to my first post of 2009! I needed a little Christmas vacation, which basically consisted of eating, playing Singstar, and eating again. So, just a little recap of my Christmas vacation for you:

1. I ate alot. I mean alot. It was non-stop food from Thanksgiving to New Years. I know I am getting old, because usually that amount of food doesn't really affect me at all, (I know, you hate me, I'm used to it) but this year, all of my pants are a little tight. Thus is born New Year's Resolution #1, fit back into my pants.

2. I now have my very own Singstar! No longer do I need to mooch off Cropstar, I have my very own to practice singing "Helena" over and over. (Like I need practice, I am already a Singstar!) Now is born New Year's Resolution #2, become a Singstar on all songs. It will be a challenge, but a challenge I am ready for.

3. I spent considerable bonding time with my nephew Reed (oh and his parents too). I basically moved into my mom's house for the week to be close to the family. Living with your parents is awesome, they have considerably better food (see #1 above).

4. I saw Stone Temple Pilots in concert. It was amazing. Scott Weiland is everything you could hope and dream he would be, what a rock star really should be. His dancing basically consists of twitching, and never has twitching looked so good. I think it is true love.

5. I also saw Reel Big Fish. That is a fun show. I highly suggest going if you get the chance.